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Archive for December, 2008

Bad Habits

Posted in The Joy of Twins, tagged , , , , , , on December 30, 2008 | Leave a Comment »

I keep making things explode in my mother’s microwave. I think that qualifies as a bad habit. Its not intentional, its due to the fact that Mumsy’s microwave is about a thousand times more powerful than mine and I keep grossly overestimating the amount of time needed to zap coffee.

The coffee habit has gotten out of control because A) there is really good coffee here. I’ve been craving D & D coffee since I moved away, and now there’s a freezer full of it. B) The twinnies are pretty much not sleeping at all.

I was having coffee with a bagel, and it wasn’t my first one. This leads me to another bad habit, pigging out at my Mum’s house. She stocks it so well I tend to think of it as an all you can eat buffet. I have to knock it off but I don’t want to.

This leads me to  the phone habit. I have a habit of leaving my phone in weird places, dropping it, etc. These actions seem to have a direct correlation between the amount of sleep I get. Since I’m not getting any sleep, I lose my phone a million times a day. After stuffing my mouth with bagels and coffee,  I was searching for it and to my horror remembered that I had left it in the pocket of a shirt I had just put in the washing machine! I fished it out and dried it off, and it turns on and still has all my numbers, but the sound seems to not work anymore. This is what happens when one bad habit leads to another.

I did indulge some good habits as well yesterday. I went ice skating on the lake in front of the house and had a blast. We bribed my brother to watch the twins, and zoomed all over the lake. It was great. I always ice skate every chance I get. It reminds me of being a kid, when I used to skate all the time. I never really got any good at it, but who cares, its still fun as hell. There were animal tracks all over the lake and we had fun figuring out who had skated the ice before us: fox, rabbit, deer, etc. I love the sound the blades make when they cut across the ice. I love how blue the sky is in contrast to the snow. I love how the wind blows and swirls the snow of the ice like dust storms in the desert. Winter is so cool.

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Get Me Outta Here!

Posted in The Joy of Twins, tagged , , , , , on December 29, 2008 | 3 Comments »

Things are great. Family, great. Snow, great.

But I want outta here.

I wanna go home

where no one sabotages my twins schedule to the point that they are running on 2 different time zones: falling asleep at 6pm island time, which is unfortunately 11pm Eastern time but waking up at 7am Eastern, 2am island time.  I can’t win. I’ve given up.

home

where I can (god forbid) leave dishes in the sink for an hour without the stinging judgemental looks, and wait until I’ve finished my coffee before I wipe the applesauce off the floor.

home

where no one second guesses me even when I’m wrong

home

where I buy the food I like and cook it the way I like it

home

where the twins wear onesies to go on a walk and don’t have a cow while I’m trying to zip them into those snow suit things that leave them looking like they’ve been inflated with a bicycle pump to the point of exploding. Then they explode. My eardrums.

home

where the air is so moist no one needs chapstick or lotion

home

where there are 12 hours of sunlight every day

home

where there is little true drama

home

where the twins have their own room and actually sleep in it

home

where i can do whatever i want and people 5000 miles away know only what i tell them

home

where the wifi is plentiful and i don’t have to sneak into my brother’s room to use the painfully slow internet

home

where i can have a huge glass of wine without being judged

home

where i don’t feel like a teenager being forced to follow a buttload of stupid rules

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10 Hours Without Twins

Posted in The Joy of Twins, tagged , , , , , , on December 26, 2008 | 2 Comments »

Holy crap, we actually achieved it- 10 whole hours without the  twinnies. It took 10 months, 4 airplanes, and 2 relatives, but we did it and it was AWESOME.
It was the day before Christmas Eve and we drove to Kennebunkport, a town that can literally kill you with its quaintness. Its about a 40 min drive from my Mum’s house. Ubercute, for real. We went in all the little Christmasy shops, admired the town Christmas tree festooned with lobster traps and buoys and had the most delicious lunch/dinner (linner?) I’ve had in ages. Maybe ever. Lobster risotto with huge  yummy scallops, warming red wine and a table gazing across the snowy harbor. Awwwww.

Maine lobster is currently 3.99 a pound. WTF? When I got married it was a trillion dollars a pound so we served something else, now they’re giving it away. I don’t understand what drives lobster prices. Its a funny old world.

Years ago my Mum used to drive to coastal towns to give physical therapy to some of the lobstermen. Mum saw most of the lobstermen on the rotor because they without fail they always used ”colorful language.” This offended some of the therapists who followed hardcore religions not tolerant of colorful language, but my Mum didn’t care a whit. She said they were all kind, interesting people. They’d say that some years the catch would be so good they’d think they never had to work again, and other years it would be so poor they’d wonder how they would feed their families. Neither ever happened. Life is just like that I guess.

Back to the restaurant. There was one weird moment where the waitress got my dander up. It was odd. I ordered the pâté(which was divine, fyi) for my appetizer and this weird waitress corrected my pronunciation of pâté. This irked me because  I did not pronounce it incorrectly. I love pâté. I’ve eaten my weight in pâté. Probably my husband’s weight too. Hmm, wonder why I still can’t fit in my pre-pregnancy clothes?  I’ve been to France many times. I’ve ordered pâté there. My surname is French. My grandfather was French. I’ve got his French blood coursing through my goddam veins and the ho has the gall to correct me?

Its a pet peeve of mine. I can’t stand it when people correct others unnecessarily. I subscribe to Miss Manner’s philosophy on rogue correcting. There are 2 instances in which it is warranted. 1) Mothers correcting their children. Of course, of course. 2) Teachers correcting students. In all other instances, unacceptable.

Luckily, after a large glass of wine I was able to ignore her faux pas and enjoy hilarious conversation with Jungledad. I tried to cajole him to egregiously mispronounce as many words as possible through the course of dinner because with his fancy British accent it would have really messed with that chica’s head. I was dying to know if she’d have the chutzpah to correct him. Everything sounds so lovely and civilized with a fancy British accent that Jungledad can get away with verbal murder. We came up with some real doozies, but unfortunately my husband was too polite to employ them. Oh dang, there’s always next time ;)

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Counting Lucky Stars

Posted in The Joy of Twins on December 20, 2008 | 1 Comment »

We’ve moved on from Cambridge to my Mum’s house in Maine. I can’t stop thinking about Cambridge though. Jungledad and I have so much history there. It was strange to go back with the babies. I felt like an entirely different person than the one who arrived fresh off a plane from London 6 years ago, with nothing but 2 suitcases and a Limey to my name. We were fresh out of college. So young and in love yet so incredibly different. Jungledad with his fancy accent and chiselled jaw and PHD at 25, starting his postdoc at Harvard. Me with my lowly bachelor’s degree in fine art, bohemian hair and attitude and teaching gig at a tiny art studio way outside the mainstream, full of big dreams but very little money.

I’ll never forget the morning after the first snow. Jungledad was so excited. He ran out the door on his way to Harvard, hit the ice on the steps and flew about 5 feet in the air before crashing to the ground on his bum, groaning and saying “Why didn’t you tell me!” I couldn’t answer because I was doubled over in laughter. I tried for a moment not to laugh, then gave up completely.

It’s so sweet to remember. I remember much more clearly now that I’ve been away. I look more closely at the snow, the blue jays, everything.

My Mum watched the babies and we went for a long walk through the woods today. There’s at least a foot of snow. My Mum’s house sits on a frozen lake, way out. Its so quiet you wouldn’t believe it. We walked across the ice to little islands and saw where the pine trees had snapped in the ice storm. We saw where the beavers had knawed on thin birches that lean out into the lake. We followed deer trails and watched bluejays and crows. We heard something that sounded like a hawk but didn’t see it. It was all so beautiful, and I appreciated it in a way I never have before.

Before I had children I had trouble just living in the moment. I’m not sure I ever really did until today. I knew the babies were safe and happy and I could just walk and take in all that beauty without thinking about anything else. We looked at snowflakes on our mittens for the longest time, something I don’t think I’ve ever bothered to do before. They were amazing, like perfect little worlds.

We talked about stars. Jungledad is an Astronomer, so we’re always talking about stars, but usually in a way that involves data analysis and math and relativity, all of which conspire to make my brain bleed out of my ears. It wasn’t one of those talks. I was asking about stars and their companions. I like to think of stars like their people. A lot of people think stars are alone, but they’re not. Most stars aren’t like the sun. Most stars have a companion. Its just that the companions don’t blaze as brightly, so often we can’t see them. A lot of stars have companions from day one, but some, especially those that live in clusters, meet their companions later in life.

I think of the twins as the luckiest of stars, the double star. They both burn brightly but close together. Separate and intense, but never alone.

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Yes, My Twins Will Inconvenience You

Posted in The Joy of Twins, tagged , , , , on December 18, 2008 | Leave a Comment »

Traveling with twins has made me realize that with or without intending to, my family will inconvenience people. When you’ve got infant twins, that’s how you roll.

Its actually a blessing. I used to be mortified to hold up a line while I searched for my debit card. I used to double over clutching my heavy bags to my chest rather than setting them on the floor so I could spring forward without delay when the queue moved. Nothing could slow me down.  Nothing, but twins.

Now we wait in line with bags fanned out around us in all directions for people to trip over and lines to snarl up behind. We fluster airline employees with our 2 baby situation.  We take over entire seating sections. We spill formula and mashed banana on the floor. And we don’t give a hoot.

Honestly, most people don’t give a hoot either. Most other passengers on our other journey were overwhelmingly supportive. We were told countless times, “Your babies are so good!” “I can’t believe how good they were on the flight,” and so on.

Considering how long the flights were, the babies really were superb. Mumu was much improved from her last flight, where she spent the entire time frantically grabbing at a terrified Japanese tourist who squirmed to get away from her slobbery clutches.

The only odd thing with other passengers on the journey was that I was constantly asked, “Did you plan to have twins?” I find this question so bizarre, and I swear I was asked it 20 times at least. I assume its a clumsy attempt to find out if I took fert meds, but still. Am I missing something? Fert meds or not, aren’t twins always a surprise? Isn’t everyone trying to have one baby but some of us are lucky enough to get a bonus one? Who’s “planning” twins?

Oh dang, the girls are awake and I’ve gotta go and I haven’t had time to talk about all the snowy, cidery New England fun we’ve been having. Next post, I promise!

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M-Fer its Cold Here!

Posted in The Joy of Twins, tagged , , , , , , on December 13, 2008 | 3 Comments »

The jungle has made junglemom a total wuss. I can’t handle cold. And I know cold. Serious cold. I grew up in the far north, I know about snot-freezing cold. Or at least I did. The tropics have made me soft. I was shivering in my hotel room and the thermostat said 72. What the hell happened to me?

The journey was insane. We left our junglehouse at 7:30am Thursday….. and arrived at 3pm on Friday. Never again. As an Italian landlord I used to have used to say, “I a do-a my nut!!!” 

I don’t even know where to start. The journey was a journey within a journey within a journey. Etc. I’m way too tired and lagged to do it justice, and I need to shower and drink a gallon of coffee and put 30 layers of clothes on the twins to go out and meet friends for dinner. There better be buckets of wine at that dinner…

Anyway, I will say that I almost lost my shiz on the final plane. It was about the 25th straight hour of travel and I was literally counting the minutes until we landed. This was our third flight, the red eye from San Francisco. Anyway, so we get to Boston, or rather the airspace over Boston. The pilot goes in for a landing then pulls up at the last minute. The plane starts going up again and circling around. Most of the passengers were asleep and didn’t notice, but I was wide awake with a squirming baby and I noticed big time. We just kept circling for a while until the pilot finally came on the intercom and said the there was some wind at the airport and he wasn’t “comfortable” landing. We kept circling and circling for at least another hour. The pilot wussed out and wouldn’t go in for another landing. He decided to turn the plane around and fly to New York. I don’t know enough curse words to express my frustration at that point. I was drenched in baby pee and formula. The girls were exhausted. All our ears were sore from taking off and landing over and over and over. We hadn’t slept in over 24 hrs. My arms were shaking with fatigue from bouncing Mumu for hours on end. I just wanted to go to bed. At that point I really almost lost my shiz. I wanted to tell that pilot to be a goddam man and land the plane. I don’t care about his comfort. I care about the twins comfort. My comfort.

But no. We went to JFK. We sat on the plane on the runway for bloody ages. The airline told the pilot to fly us back to Boston. He refused. He used the “comfortable” line again. I did my nut again. We all had to go off the plane. We waited in the terminal for hours, until the airline found a pilot that was “comfortable” flying us back. We went back on the plane. We waited on the runway another hour or two. We flew to Boston. 

I am glad to be here. At last. I had a great day that I’ll blog about later. Its good to be back, but

M-Fer its cold here!!!!!!!!!

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Christmas Hangs in the Fog

Posted in The Joy of Twins, tagged , , , , , , on December 8, 2008 | Leave a Comment »

“Christmas hangs in the fog

but I can see it for miles

For holly red bulbs

and snow

I go, I go!

And you are there

you trip and fall

I love you even more.”

-Fanny Howe


I took a walk in sunshine and green fields today, but I’ve got snow on my mind. I’m packing up my winter clothes and it feels so strange. The last time I wore those clothes I was a different person, I wasn’t a Mom. I tend to insert the twins into my memories, like I can’t imagine there was a time before they were born. But there was. There were 28 years before they came along. I know it yet I can’t believe it.

It will be their first winter, the first cold they’ve ever felt. The first snow, and it won’t happen naturally. They won’t see leaves changing and falling, or feel warm air turn crisp before it gets cold. They’ll doze off in their stroller surrounded by banana trees and towering eucalyptus, strawberry guavas in bloom, and air warm and moist as cake from the oven. They’ll wake up to crackling dry air, threadbare trees and bitter cold. And more love, and people who love them, then they can possibly imagine. There will be beauty too. What’s more beautiful then freshly fallen snow?

I’ve missed winter. I can’t wait to feel it again.

One of my missions when I get there is to visit old haunts. Specifically, musty old squeaky floor bookstores looking for one book in particular. Eggs by Fanny Howe. Its one of my favorite books of poetry, and it was lost somewhere in the 5000 or so miles between New England and this island. I’ve been thinking of that book a lot lately, particularly the part I wrote above. Of course, that’s only part of a poem and my memory has probably jarbled it in some way. I bought the book in a coffee shop when I was a teenager. I’m hoping I can’t find it again, though it won’t be easy. Its rare. Not valuable (in terms of money anyway) but rare.

I love poems that remind me of simple, wonderful things that I often forget or overlook. During the girls walk today I pulled out the stroller shade to block the sun shining in their eyes and noticed a pile of orange peels. It made me laugh. It was jungledad. He had left in a hurry the last time he pushed the stroller because the girls were so fussy. I threw him an orange on the way out because he was thirsty and he must have peeled it as he walked. It put a sweet image in my mind.

It was an island orange. They are yummy and tangy, but sorry looking. They aren’t spray painted a uniform neon orange like the ones you find in a supermarket. They aren’t shiny or smooth. They’re all different shades of orange, mostly light, some so light they look like lemons. They’re rarely perfectly round, often misshapen.The skin is dirty and full of flaws. They taste a thousand times better than those waxy painted oranges. It must be the character.

That’s just it. There’s no perfect fruit. No perfect climate, no perfect island, no perfect babies, and most certainly, no perfect parents. There are many things, however, that are close to perfect. Especially at the holidays. Love. Humor. Forgiveness. Strength. Compassion. Generosity. Snowflakes. A good book. A great poem….

Got any more?

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Velcroing Triplets

Posted in The Joy of Twins, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 3, 2008 | 2 Comments »

Ever have one of those days when everything goes wrong? That would be yesterday. Boy oh boy. There isn’t enough space on wordpress to list all the things that went wrong, I’ll have to stick to the highlights. More like lowlights. The babies were up all night. Its a mystery why. Maybe the moon. Maybe the volcano goddess. Hmmm, that’s probably it. The volcano goddess is a huge dealio here. She rules the active volcanoes. You do not want to displease her. When we moved here we were warned constantly to never never take lava rocks. The goddess considers the lava to be her flesh, and therefore finds snatching them wildly offensive. The active volcanoes that the tourists visit have visitors centers with bulletin boards plastered with letters of apology to the goddess from wayward tourists who took lava rocks home then felt her wraith big time. They sent the rocks back, but I don’t know if she forgave them. I’d be peeved if a stranger made off with my skin too.

The other goddess thing the locals always warn about is that if she shows up in the form of an old lady asking for water, you better damn well give her water.

Actually, that did happen to me. An old lady did show up at our house and ask for water. She said she lived up the road and her plumbing was kaput and she tried to use the pump at the park near my house but it didn’t work and we said sure, use the hose, fill the buckets, go for it. She was extremely grateful and brought me a bag of apples and a cheesecake the next day. The goddess can be most benevolent when she wants to be.

She wasn’t yesterday.

We woke up exhausted after the twins nighttime reign of terror, and everyone was grouchy and I went to the laundry room to change over a load of baby jammies and found the room flooded with 3 inches of water. Nice! Even better, not all the water drained out of the washer so the jams were still soaked. After a lot of groaning and course language I proceeded to wring them out by hand (pioneer woman style) because its the jungle, and things go moldy in a jungleminute if you let them. I had to balance on about an inch of concrete the juts out from the platform that holds the washer (now I know why the previous owners built that platform!) while the twins were screaming, and let me tell ya sisters, I was not happy.

Anyway, then the cat broke my baby gate (don’t ask) which caused all kinds of chaos, but I thought ‘alls well that ends well’ and all that jazz because yesterday was Mommy Movie night and I was due for beer and popcorn with the girls, yea! Jungledad left work early to see to flooding situation and buy diapers because we were out. What a sweetie! I jumped in the shower during the babies very brief but still existent nap and started to get ready for movie night. I could feel the day turning around.

Then the phone rang…

It was Jungledad from the payphone in the grocery store parking lot. He had forgotten his cell phone and debit card, and used all his cash on diapers, so this was the only phone call he could make (like prison?), the purpose of which to tell me the car had died and would not be resuscitated. Aghhhhh. After the twins were born we traded in our beloved Jeep Wrangler, which had never once broken or let us down in any way, for a Jeep Grand Cherokee Limited, which seems to be breaking all the bloody time. Anyway, I managed to get someone to drive out the jump the Jeep. Jungledad drove to the repair shop to get a new battery that we can’t afford and I missed Mommy Movie night. Boo hoo to me.

Things did start looking up, however, when Jungledad came home. He made us massive G and Ts and a yummy dinner and delish lemon sugar crepes like they make in vendor carts on the streets of Paris. My hero! Our brains were totally fried, so we just settled in and watched the UK version of Kitchen Nightmares on youtube (I’m still angry with Gordon but I just can’t stay away).

Afterward we had lots of silly conversation fueled by exhaustion and gin. It started out talking about how its really hard to carry the twins at the same time now, since their big and heavy and squirmy. Then we thought about how it must be way harder with triplets and wondered how or if parents carry them at once. Then we stumbled upon the answer: velcro suits. If you dressed each infant in a velcro suit they would stick together in a big cluster, and surely that would be easier to carry. Of course, you couldn’t put one baby in hooks, one baby in loops, etc, because they could squirm and make the cluster unstable. The key would be a baby velcro suit constructed of a patchwork of hooks and loops. That would make for the greatest adhesion. Then we wondered, if we dressed loads of babies in velcro patchwork suits, how many could we carry at once? A quint cluster? Septuplets even? Why have Jon and Kate not tried this? Is there a youtube video that addresses this? If so I’d really like to watch it the next time I have a rotten day.

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