Ahoy, Mateys! Due to First Mate Mumu snagging the corner of one of her heavy, germ-covered nautical books on my left eye– One-Eyed Pirate Mommy is BACK. Agghhrr! And that’s not my only injury, me hearties. I’ve also pulled my back out carrying the girls across the park, I mean, scurrying up the rigging to secure the jib topsail (or something).
With only one eye, and a hunchback, One-Eyed Pirate Mommy is not running as tight a ship as she’d like. While squinting her way through a pirate toddler book for Quartermaster Lulu, One-Eyed Pirate Mommy neglected to keep tabs on mischievous First Mate Mumu, who snuck into the galley. When the Captain and Quartermaster arrived in the galley after story time, quite a sight befell them. Lo! First Mate Mumu had extracted the last bag of coffee, dumped the entire ration on the floor, and used all her limbs like a wee octopus to spread it to all corners of the galley. When called on her appalling conduct, First Mate Mumu showed no remorse, and will therefore be keel-hulled, have her belly shaved with a rusty razor, be tied to the mast, and any other maritime punishment from the song “What Shall We Do With the Drunken Sailor” that I’ve forgotten, right after she wakes up from her nap.
One-Eyed Pirate Mommy wishes she was a drunken sailor; her eye is very sore. She also wishes she had a parrot to hold a warm compress to her eye while she tries to type this. She would also like a pet monkey to sweep the coffee grinds off the floor. The monkey could then brew her a desperately needed cup of coffee, and play a song on a little drum or flute to amuse Pirate Mommy while she drank it. But lo, with no monkey or parrot, a bum back and great exhaustion, One-Eyed Pirate Mommy may be reduced to heave ho-ing to the galley floor to lick up the raw coffee grounds.
Well, no one said life on the high seas would be easy. Now where is my rum…