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Archive for March, 2010

Hitching a Ride on the Banana Boat

Posted in The Joy of Twins, tagged , , , on March 28, 2010 | 4 Comments »

I will never, ever again think the banana boat song is cute. Know why? I just hacked hundreds (seriously, hundreds) of bananas off 6ft, 7ft, 8ft bunches (etc.) in my backyard. Not fun. Yea, that’s right, I’m whining about my banana windfall. That’s the kind of twisted, selfish, bitter woman I’ve become. It’s all my husband’s fault for mowing the lawn.

Oh, the lawn. Where do I begin? Our lawn is not large, but large enough to have several banana trees, and an epic problem when it comes to vegetation. The problem is, the lawn was once jungle, and now the jungle misses it, and wants it back.  We use weed whackers and lawn mowers to keep it at bay, but not very vigilantly. They, and we, are constantly breaking from the effort, so we let it slide as long as possible before shoving the faulty equipment in the car and driving it into town to be fixed by the old man downtown with a huge vendetta against ethanol (you don’t wanna know), and then my husband mows it, hacks down the jungle, and underneath all that foliage, you never know what you’re going to find. This time we found hundreds of bananas and an enormous lizard. This thing was like 3 ft. long, I swear. Speaking of swearing, I did a whole lot of that while hacking the bananas because the process was so tedious, due to my own idiocy. I was cutting them down one at a time, endlessly, until it suddenly dawned on me that bananas are not usually sold individually. Yes, I am a moron. Took  ages to realize I could cut them down in bunches, then I did, and it sped things up, but didn’t really improve my mood much.

Jungledad’s been on the volcano for 3 nights, with another 3 to go, and the girls are kicking my ass, and there in the yard, surrounded by bananas, and I had a long and biting internal tantrum. It was mostly along the lines of WILL NO ONE SAVE ME FROM THE BLOODY ISLAND! Why must I live here with the lizards and the mongooses and the crazy, crazy people? I have these moments every once in a while, where I feel like I’m marooned here, like we will never make it out. We kind of are marooned here. When we moved to this island, the economy was fine and dandy and we assumed it would stay that way, and we could have our adventure and leave whenever we choose. Wrong-go Bong-go. There were loads of jobs when we left, now there aren’t any. It sucks. We may be trapped here forever. Yes, yes, I know– boo hoo for me, trapped in a tropical paradise. I know, I know, but I miss seasons, and long drives, close proximity to friends and family, milk costing less than ten bucks a gallon, and about a million other things, ungrateful wretch that I am.

But I’ve thought of a solution.  I’m going to weave a boat out jungle leaves, palm trees, and pineapple heads from my backyard; fill it with bananas, twins, a husband with the handy ability to navigate by the stars, a balding cat that has never been the same since getting struck by lightning, several gallons of wine, a giant lizard, my weight in coffee grounds, and 3 years of New Yorker back issues, then sail it back to civilization.

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Women Who Hate Children- What is their Deal?

Posted in The Joy of Twins, tagged , , on March 21, 2010 | 17 Comments »

There are all kinds of women in this world– women who have children, women who want children, women who don’t want children, and, the most interesting and terrifying of the gender– women who are repulsed by children.  I ran into a few females in category #4 a few days ago, and it kind of shook me up.

It’s not that I didn’t know they exist; I’d seen them in movies, read of them in books, but had not yet come face to face with full-out children haters until a few days ago.  It happened at a “party.” I’m putting quotes around party, because really, it was anything but. I’ve had better times at wakes, no joke. Anyway, it was a workish thing, an annual thing, and the person organizing  the party (who was himself a grandfather, and very sweet and gracious) had been working diligently in the previous weeks to get more peeps, a wider variety of peeps, to attend, so we did, but we sure didn’t stay long.

I felt the bad vibe immediately. Took two steps in, and some middle-aged woman scrunched her nose up at us, looked down at our girls like they were two turds, and said, “Oh,” (expressing deep disappointment in the delivery of the “oh”), “you brought the twins to the party,” though by her facial expression, it was more like, “Oh, you brought SARS to the party.”

Things didn’t improve from there. There was another woman, about my age, who was also a big time child-hater. I could feel the hate vibes radiating off her from across the room. Dirty looks, cringes, she dramatically shrank back when we passed, as though she were, well, repulsed. And we were all totally clean and presentable, I swear.

Not everyone was like that; there were some very nice people there, but few people in general had shown up for the party, so it felt like the room was a secret child-hate rally. We bailed pretty quickly; I full-out ran when we got to the parking lot, and did a lot of trash talking in the car. Because really, what is their deal? I’m not saying that every woman should like, want, or have children; that’s not what I’m saying at all. If you want to be indifferent, great, be indifferent. If you want to dislike, by all means. But the hate, the repulsion, the sourpuss faces– it’s childish. And ironic. And makes me want to say GROW (the hell) UP.

I am aware that these are hard times for child haters (my sympathies, truly), because kids are everywhere these days. I was thinking about this issue reading the New Yorker the other day, a hilarious article (Borough Haul by Patricia Marx) about shopping in Brooklyn, which mentioned that in the Park Slope neighborhood, parents have recently won the right to wheel strollers (con kiddies) into a local bar. For the record, I am for children in bars, so long as they are family bars, with sensible rules are in place. One of my favorite pubs in the world is Federal Jack’s, a supergroovy brewpub in Kennebunkport, Maine, with faboosh food and microbrews, and plenty of kiddies of all ages with their families. It’s all very respectable and fun. Rock on, Federal Jack’s. But back to Brooklyn. I was discussing the kids in pubs issue with my awesome and hilarious best friend, who lives in Brooklyn, and she mentioned that there is quite a divide between people who have kids (or don’t, but don’t mind their presence so long as there are appropriate restrictions), and peeps who do mind and feel it’s totally unfair for them to be allowed into any bars whatsoever. To those peeps, I say, just go to a seedier bar, yo. You may not think this is fair, but guess what– life isn’t fair, and all us grown-ups just have to deal ;)

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Earthquakes and Dilemmas

Posted in The Joy of Twins, tagged , on March 14, 2010 | 4 Comments »

My children have an unnatural love of earthquakes, just another thing to add to their growing list of quirks. Once when they were teeny tiny babies and Jungledad was on the big volcano, they woke up screaming in the wee hours and an earthquake actually rocked them back to sleep. I gave thanks to the volcano goddess, hinted that I wouldn’t be adverse to a few tremors throughout the night be keep the girls asleep, then passed out myself.

A few days ago, there was a doozy- a 4.5. This was not news because there are earthquakes everyday here, and 4.5 is no big whoop, but it shook the ground, and the house, much more than normal. Our neighbor freaked out at his house, grabbed his child and dove for the doorway. The child did not take it well– total panic and subsequent anxiety and nightmares. Our  girls, they LOVED it. Squealed and clapped, and begged for more.

There’s no escaping earthquakes here. With 5 volcanoes, you get what you get. I think it’s awesome there are 5, btw, because 5 is my favorite number ever. I’m the 5th child in my fam, born of the 5th day of the 5th month. I think that pretty much makes me a sorceress or something. Anyway, my island was formed entirely by volcanic activity, and it’s the size of Connecticut, so that’s a lot of activity yo, with no end in sight. Of the 5, one of the volcanoes is extinct (allegedly). One is thought to be dormant, 3 are active, 2 of which are among the world’s most active, so– there’s a whole lotta shakin goin on.

Part of me wonders if I should be more concerned about the natural disasters here. On the one hand, I don’t want to scare my kids– I don’t them howling and cowering in doorways over something that is completely natural for this island. And I don’t want to hoard canned goods and fill my house with constant anxiety over the next storm that may, but probably will not, ever come.  Then again, that last thing I want is to be careless or cavalier; earthquakes, tsunamis, hurricanes, lava flows– all serious things, I know. But life is a dangerous business, and I think too much dwelling on any particular danger (especially on this island) will drive a person insane. So– I pay my home insurance, I keep a reasonable amount of food in the house, I listen to radio, I opt not to freak out my kids, and I hope that’s enough. Is it?

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Don’t Hate Me Cuz I’m Tropical

Posted in The Joy of Twins on March 7, 2010 | 5 Comments »

Okay, technically we were there (on the glorious opposite side of the island) for a conference (or rather, one of us was) but I think a week at a fancy resort counts as a full-out vacay. My first full-out, non-mini vacay since the girls were born- WOOT! And grazie mille to those who offered prayers, good energies, sparkly crystals, mammal sacrifices, what have you, to prevent my house being robbed by junkies for a second time while I was away, because it WASN’T. Double woot to that.  My saxophone, ceramic animals from red rose tea boxes collection, and stainless steel coffeemaker that I worship like a false idol- all safe! Oh- and my cat WASN’T struck by lightening while I was away this time, so clearly, the gods must be smiling.

And here’s the recap for full-out vacay #1

Water play was very popular

As was skipping through the grounds

We saw many cool things…

like dolphins

We even swam with sea turtles around this waterfall (but didn’t want to get the camera wet).

Everyone got to put their feet up at various times

Some more than others.

A great time

Had by all

Especially Junglemom, whose husband arranged for a babysitter to watch the girls two afternoons, so she could stroll along here

and snorkel here

and read a book here.

Yes, I know. I am never allowed to complain about anything ever again. What can I say? Don’t hate me cuz I’m tropical ;)

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Everything, and More.

Posted in The Joy of Twins, tagged , , , on March 3, 2010 | 6 Comments »

They have everything here, that’s for sure. A salt water lagoon running the length of the resort, with every beautiful, shockingly bright-colored fish you ever imagined swimming inside. It flows into the ocean, not some sort of giant aquarium, and I love it because the fish are free. Not trapped; invited. A place the most stunning fish in the world find attractive- now that’s saying something. The water is clear as glass and I can watch them as I swim overhead without feeling that I am intruding, or destroying something precious. It’s man-made I suppose, but the fishes don’t know that- they love it, and so do I.

There are charming little boats gliding through the lagoons with boat stops along the banks where you can hop on and off to explore the grounds. There’s a fancy train with big windows winding though all the gardens and towers and sights. There are bridges and footpaths, pools of every shape, dolphins- yes, dolphins- in residence here. There are more palm trees than I’ve ever seen (and that’s saying something), flowers so magenta they’re almost blinding, sandy banks, crashing waves, shallow, sheltered children’s beaches.  Rope bridges, lush gardens, a museum full of relics. Caves. Ancient petroglyphs just down the road. The mountains, the Pacific ocean, the endless blue tropical sky. And the tradewinds, I’ve never felt them like this before- so strong, unusually so, predicted to blow hard all week. The winds unnerve some, but we love them. Had the girls out in a full gale, screaming in delight. Danced with Mumu and the dolphins at the finale of their show, laughed at the sight of Lulu ravaging the flower garden to make her own bouquet. They’ve been everywhere in their red wagon, the sight of which makes people smile. They say bye-bye to everyone,  point at stone statues, waterfalls, the ocean hitting the shoreline, the koi (almost as big as they are) swimming in ponds under neat wooden floating pagodas.

We put them to bed and sneak out onto the balcony, eat fancy cheese (and not so fancy grilled cheese) while sipping wine and watching the sun go down.  We watch the palm trees lash back and forth in these unbelievable winds, like ocean waves or sea anenomes. We have a game going, of who can spot the first star. It’s always Sirius, but the game never is- it’s just plain fun. We watch the sky get darker, watch the mountains start to fade into the background, watch the tropical birds start to hunt. Sometimes we open a second bottle of wine. We talk about the future, the now, everything.

The other day my husband was telling me about a story he’d read in an article, or heard on NPR or something, one he knew I’d like. He told me all about it, and by the time he’d finished, I had tears in my eyes. The story wasn’t sad, I wasn’t sad- I was happy. I know it was a small, regular old gesture, but it made me so happy- to be married to someone who knows me so well.  That he found this little piece of news and concentrated hard on remembering it all, so he could tell me later.

I love being married, and I love this resort; both of which are far from perfect (well, at least the former, anyway) and require a great deal of maintenance, but I feel so lucky to be sitting here, in both.

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