Yeah, I am all about this book. Normally I try to avoid books everybody talks about until the hype has died down. I still haven’t read any Potters–for reals. I frequently receive requests from authors of parenting books, books about twins, etc., to review their books on my blog, and I never do, because I don’t want to go out and buy their books (and can’t, anymore– the only real bookstore on my side of the island just closed!) and no one loves me enough to offer me freebies.
But, I did hotfoot it over to amazon to buy NurtureShock after Sadia’s faboosh review piqued my interest. I’m about half way through, and can say that the book is excellent, and changing the way I think and parent. And no- the people from NurtureShock did not contact me about their book–I am small potatoes–they are taking the parenting world by storm and don’t need a bit of help from me. Turns out, I needed help from them, and I didn’t even know it.
Just this afternoon, Nurtureshock helped me to handle a situation I would otherwise have probably handled badly. Well, maybe not badly, but not helpfully, not the best way. Lulu started to tantrum in a public place. For the first time, I didn’t just shut her down with firm words or whisk her away to the car. I actually thought about how her brain was processing– how her way of thinking is different from me, my husband, and even her twin sister.
It was a study I read about in Nurtureshock that made me stop and re-assess the situation, and interestingly enough, the study was not about toddlers, not even close, it was about teens. A researcher at Vassar, Dr. Abigail Baird, MRI scanned the brains of teen and adults as she put a series of brief scenarios to them. The subjects were to answer if they thought the concepts mentioned were a “good idea” or a “bad idea.” The good ideas were things like walking the dog, etc., the bad ideas were things like swallowing a cockroach, or lighting your hair on fire. Everyone got the questions right, but teens and adults used their brains differently to come up with the answers. The adults answered instantaneously, their brains visualized the “bad ideas” and red flags flew up and waved vigorously–danger, danger! Not so for the teens. They took longer, no red flags went up at all. They had to use the cognitive parts of the brain, had to actually consider whether lighting one’s hair on fire is a good idea, they didn’t just know as adults know, that it isn’t. Why didn’t they know? They didn’t have experiences to draw on, didn’t instinctually understand the danger because they had never lived it.
Enter Lulu’s tantrum. At the time, we had just gone for a scenic drive and had pulled into a beach park popular with surfers. It’s very pretty, with a lovely stream and a little waterfall, and a small, rocky, treacherous beach with excellent surf, popular with the surfers (and only the surfers) because they’re gnarly like that. We were just there to walk around, have a look, and watch the surfers (Mumu loves surfers). Three out of the four of us knew instinctually that going into the water was not an option, with the surf crashing in, and big jagged rocks everywhere. Not Lulu, the danger didn’t scare her one bit. She tried to rush into the frothing caldron and was devastated when I pulled her back and told her she couldn’t go in. She was crushed, and this manifested in a lot of yelling and flailing of limbs. My first thought was that she was being kind of an a-hole, being that toddler, ruining our enjoyment of the scenery. Then I thought of that study and it occurred to me– she literally doesn’t understand the danger of that beach. She’s fearless by nature, and doesn’t have any experiences to draw on. She thinks we’re being the a-holes and ruining her fun. I got down to Lulu’s level and spoke to her, told her I knew she was disappointed, but that we couldn’t swim because it was dangerous, and I didn’t want her to get hurt. She calmed right down. Wow.
And I’ve still got about a hundred pages to go. Should be illuminating…
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