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Archive for October, 2010

I suppose it goes without saying that moving from a house to an apartment, with two toddlers, sucks. And it also goes without saying that when you have to sell your house at a loss because you wanted to move to Massachusetts to give your kids (and yourself) a better life, but now you have to start saving for a house all over again, that sucks too.

But never one to dwell on suckiness, I have thought of a solution. Some random person should go ahead and buy me a mansion in Cambridge, Massachusetts. Peoples Republic Of. Please. Okay, just a house. No, a condo will do fine. Or a garage. Or a broom cupboard, a parking space– I’ll put up a tent, I’m not picky, I just want a break. My kids could go to public school and learn Spanish, Mandarin, Portuguese, Cantonese, Pig Latin, Calculus, Klingon, Farsi, Time Management, Rhythmic Gymnastics, Cave Diving, Astrophysics, Environmental Law, Social History, Microbrewing, and Hieroglyphs, all by the age of 8. And while they’re learning all of this, I’ll join one of those Writer’s Groups (I’m capitalizing everything to show Importance) I’ve read about, and it will be full of brilliant, generous people with loads of time on their hands, who will take me in and nurture me and teach me all kinds of valuable skills I want, but don’t currently possess.

It’ll be just like Harold and the Purple Crayon. They’ll look at my husband and me, and say, “You look like a hungry moose, you like a deserving porcupine; here, have our 9 favorite kinds of pie. And while you’re at it, have a mansion, a chai tea from Toscanini’s, and an awesome old Professor’s Volkswagen. What? We wouldn’t dream of you paying for it! You kids, you should be concentrating on your microbrewing, and your mother should be working on her writing. In her big mansion.

Don’t mind me, I’m just drawing with my purple crayon.

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There we were, standing on the beach in a howling gale, watching a catamaran get ten kinds of shiz beat out of it. The wind wasn’t the only thing howling; I’m sure you heard Mumu, wherever you are. By that point, the girls were on our backs, Mumu bellowing of course, and Lulu snuggling into my neck, dozing off.  We were standing into the wind, trying to block the painful sandstorm pelting us. We knew we should turn back, but were afraid the boat we were watching would crash into the rocks at any moment. We were digging for our cell phones to call the coast guard. Meanwhile, on the catamaran, the crew was digging for their cell phones as well, to report to child services the crazy parents who brought their toddlers to the beach in a full gale. Just kiddin. (I hope).

I guess I need to recalibrate what a family trip to the beach involves. The beaches in the tropics and the beaches in Massachusetts are not exactly the same. Because of this, I’m sure we’ll be hearing for some time that we were crazy to trade paradise for the Commonwealth. But if you’re expecting me to extol the virtues of the former (while bashing the latter) you’ve got the wrong girl. Don’t get me wrong- crystal clear waters, warm as a bath, and temps usually in the 80s are nice, sweet even; but it’s always the same. A continuous loop. Remember that bit from Shawshank Redemption about the Pacific having no memory? Well it’s true. When nothing changes, there is nothing to remember. Every time I go to the beach here, it’s different. Some days we see seals fishing. Some days we see enormous flocks of birds. Sometimes the ocean is navy and sometimes its turquoise, and sometimes it tosses about catamarans brave or crazy enough to go out in a full gale. It would never occur to anyone in the tropics to sail in anything other than glorious weather.

I think it’s cool beyond belief, but the girls, they need a bit more time to adjust. Lulu still must be reminded constantly the water is too cold to swim in, and even in the summer, I suspect we’ll have to invest in wetsuits. Mumu finds seaweed repulsive; it doesn’t exist in the central pacific. They both sometimes cry over the cold, no matter how many layers I put on them, and it’s not even cold yet. The dry air I find so marvelous has given them nosebleeds, the first of their lives. Should I get a humidifier? I’ve never used one– do they work? Are they a hard to maintain? I know I should know these things, I did grow up in NE, but I don’t, I haven’t been getting the memos, they don’t fly them to the tropics.

Our transition is far from seamless, but it’s ongoing. Aside from the beach, the other thing I’m loving about Massachusetts right now is EI. Lily has needed help with speech delays for some time, and getting services on the island was near impossible due to underfunding. It took months to even get an assessment. I called EI here, and had 5 phone calls within 24 hours, a PT at my house the next day, an assessment scheduled immediately. That’s my idea of paradise. That’s my kind of beach yo.

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The Evil Eye

You know your week is going badly when you find yourself googling, “How do you ward off the Evil Eye?”

I didn’t actually know what the evil eye was, because they never covered it in Catholic School. Go figure. Luckily, Dr. Google is my own personal Psychologist and psychic, and was able to confirm that the eye was indeed upon me, and must be dealt with asap.

I researched many ways to go about it. The first involved a bowl of water and some form of chanting, but like I have time for that. The second was a long, drawn out prayer to a protective archangel. I am not averse to this, but it too involved the water, and I think a few powders, so I ruled it out as well. This left the third option- just wear a cross. Easy enough. I’m in. I must have a cross somewhere… I distinctly remember my husband buying me a necklace with a tiny stone cross, and lots of little shells around it from a street vender in Chile, for few bucks. But alas, it’s in the big shipment of our stuff that left the tropics many moons ago, and may or may not ever reach New England. I carried all jewelry worth more than $10 in my suitcase, since it didn’t add up to much, but my poor little cross didn’t make the cut. So I was screwed.

But then…I remembered that my best friend, the most fabulous newlywed in all of Brooklyn, had given the girls little necklaces for their baptisms, with a teeny tiny medallions on each featuring Mary on one side, cross on the other. And she bought them right outside St. Patrick’s Cathedral, so I think with the Mary, Cross, and St. Patrick triple whammy, the evil eye doesn’t stand a chance.

Before my Evil Eye eppiphany, I used copious amounts of orange frosted cupcakes, and PBR, to deal with the stress of the week, but I don’t think Dr. Google would approve. It’s my third day of wearing the necklace looped twice around my wrists (no way it was fitting around my neck), and so far, so good. I’ll keep you posted…

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Only in town for one week, and already I’ve been mistaken for the help. I suppose this makes it as good a time as any to talk about money. Why not. I love how the French will discuss goose livers and threesomes (over breakfast, no less), but never money, because discussing money is vulgar.

I’m going to get all kinds of vulgar. You can blame the man I met at the park for that. I was pushing the girls on the swings at a playground just down the road, and we were all laughing and having fun, when a middle-aged man came up to me, smiling, and asked, “How much do they pay you for that? $10 an hour?” Silence. I wasn’t sulking, I was trying to figure out what the hell he meant. Then I got it (a little slow on the uptake if I’m honest) – ohhhhhh- you think I’m the hired help. I delicately informed him I was the Mommy, not the Nanny, we exchanged a few more pleasantries, and off he went. Then I just kind of stood there, pondering what his blunder meant. I looked around me, and thought- Wow, there is a lot of money in this town. I noticed ground crews working on immaculately maintained lawns. Beautiful old New England mansions, complete with turrets and widow’s walks, nary a peeling paint chip to be found. I thought about all the big shiny boats in the harbor, quaint shops, fast cars, the glorious cobblestone downtown, the Moms, strolling… dressed to the nines. Yep, the best things in life are free, but the nicest towns are usually filthy rich. Then there’s me, in an old fleece jacket, jeans, sneakers. No wonder he thought I was the help.

The man’s false assumption did not upset me. I’m not offended. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with having a nanny. Or a lawn crew. Or wearing fancy clothes. I chose to move to this town because the schools are great, and the town itself is very beautiful and safe. It’s much easier for any town to accomplish all three of these things when it has a lot of money, so I’m thankful to all the staff-hiring, dressed to kill Moms around here (even though I may not exactly fit in amongst them), because they’re partially fitting the bill for my twins bright new future. Thank you. Seriously.

And here I am, a few days later, still contemplating money. I guess after moving from a remote island where bare feet is the norm and yurts not uncommon, to… here, it’s not surprising I’ve got money on the brain. I periodically wonder if my husband and I should be trying to make more dough. My husband has offered several times to, for lack of a better term, sell out. In the world of high science there are multiple routes you can go, but the two biggies are academia or industry. The first has cache, the second, cash. I always say no to number two. This is mostly because of people we know. One of my husband’s grad school buddies, a brilliant organic chemist, now makes a killer living… stirring toothpaste. A girl I went to high school with once cornered me in a boutique to brag that she had just started a very lucrative, highly sought after position, courtesy of her fancy science degree. I found out later this dream job was at a tampon factory. Now for the record, I am a huge fan of money, toothpaste, and tampons. I’d love to have more of all three, especially the first, but not at any cost. I love my husband, and he would do anything for our family. If I told him to forget about teaching and research and use his big degree to make more money he would do it; but I don’t want him to. Discovering black holes is cool and sexy and exciting in a way that toothpaste and tampons, or doing high math for financial markets, just…isn’t. At least not for now. I don’t like to make predictions for the future. When I do, it always bites me in the ass; I still have so damn much to learn.

Funny how all of this surfaced from one offhand comment, which, by the way, I’ve decided to take as an enormous complement. As my husband pointed out- maybe that man thought I looked young (nannies are usually young, right?), or maybe he thought I was a superfab childcare giver (based on my exceptional swing pushing abilities) and was trying to poach me, or maybe he thought I was one of those sexy, naughty nannies, and was trying to draw me into a lurid affair. See, compliments all! Or at least, that’s how I’m taking it. Why not.

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The thing about moving is, it’s tough. It’s stressful. Things break. Things get lost. And your back hurts, and your patience thins, and you think- where the hell did I put that bloody box?

The thing about parenting is, it’s tough. It’s stressful. Kids break things. Lose things. Pull your back out, make you think- where the hell did I put my sanity?

And I’m in the thick of it now, I truly am. A tornado of woes– multi-oceanal, re-locational, real estate not selling, belongings and family car still being held for ransom by a dodgy moving company, two confused and irate toddlers- woes.

But when the dust settles, and everything must settle at some point, right? When the house, car, belongings, and temperament of my children all fall to ground, stop whirling above me, tormenting me, where I can’t reach them, I will look around me and know that it was for the best, that it was all worth it.

Must sign off now. Husband has just poured me glass of wine.  He had to open the bottle with a screw driver. That’s probably the best metaphor for the whole situation. This move, it’s like opening wine with a screw driver. Annoying, and a bit ridiculous, but sometimes necessary, and worth the effort.

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