Hey, guess what happens when you ignore the gecko in the bathroom and pretend its not there?
It gets in your bedroom. Agggghhhhh! This is way worse. I was picking up clothes off the floor this morning (that’s how I roll when Jungledad’s away, more clothes on the floor than in the closet) when I saw it do its wiggly dance across the floor. Gross. I bet its totally in my bed right now, and if it is it won’t be the first time I’ve found a lizard in my bed on this island. Waking up to a lizard is bad news. It makes me feel violated and dirty.
The first house we lived in on the island, the one I thank God everyday we didn’t buy, had a serious lizard problem. The whole front of the house is glass, which is cool because you can see out into the jungle, but not cool because the glass is a lizard magnet. At night there would be a vertical carpet of lizards stuck to the glass, a thousand little eyes watching our every move. If they just stayed on the glass that would be fine, unnerving, but fine. They didn’t. They came in for a closer look.
The house was made of redwood. Pretty, but like the glass, a lizard magnet. The lizards would squeeze in through the gaps in the wood, and the next thing you know, your reading a book in bed and lizard poop starts falling like rain. More than once, I felt scuttling under the bed sheet and had to scream the house down.
Speaking of screaming, I almost lost it the other day when I was accosted by a nutjob at McDonalds. I was sitting with my husband and the girls, tearing into my quarter pounder (cause that’s the way to lose that pregnancy weight) when I hear this booming voice say, “I feel sorry for you!” At first I just assume this comment is made in jest, and will be followed by, “double trouble,” or “bet you’ve got your hands full!” comments we hear a lot and have no problem with. But no. Her follow up statement is a real whopper. “I feel sorry for you, bringing babies into this world the way it is!” I just kind of blinked in confusion, and while I blinked she carried on and on and on, all of it bonkers. A random sampling : television is evil and shows women killing babies (WTF?), old people should have their licenses taken away, the governor is bisexual, all in dispersed with jabs at me- how I’m the nutcase, I’m the unreasonable one for committing the grand crime of having children. Every time she paused I tried to start up a conversation with my husband, foolishly thinking she would get the hint and leave us alone. No dice, she just kept the crazy train rolling with no end in sight.
I think it might be karmic payback for me laughing my head off at a coffee shop a few weeks ago while watching a similar situation unfold. Every time I go to this coffee shop, the same dude is always there in the same spot, with his coffee cup and laptop. He’s amazing because he never moves from that spot on the comfy leather couch no matter what- no bathroom breaks, no refills. I’ve only ever seen him move from this spot once, when he was driven to it by another nutjob (this island really attracts them!). The guy just strolled up to him and started frantically scribbling on napkins, spouting out a bunch of wacho ideas and drawing weird shapes. It was mesmerizing. I’ve forgotten most of what he said because it made no sense whatsoever, but I remember him pointing at the weird symbols and saying “so this is the manifest, and this is the non-manifest. But then, I don’t need to tell you that.” The couch dude put up with this for a while, thinking the guy would leave, but of course he didn’t, and the couch dude eventually, for the first time ever, left the couch, saying “er….I have to go……..find something.”
Me too. And that something is a bed. And that bed better not have an MFing gecko in it.
Night night from crazytown.